Black Women Succeed At Everything Else………… Why Not Love?

From higher learning to bodily aesthetics, black women are in the lead. According to Black Demographics, they outrank their black and white male counterparts in US college enrollment by as much as 18 percent. Meanwhile, tanning beds are booked across the country, with lip fillers and BBLs in high demand for women who desire the attributes of the African feminine physique. Similar observations can be found in corporate America and on the court of mainstream sports - Black women have the highest percentages in the labor force compared to women of other ethnicities. They’ve also dominated a variety of athletic fields where they’ve traditionally been underrepresented. And although the next mention is not an accolade that the majority of black women welcome, they’re also credited for being the leading group of women who raise children and run households single-handedly.

However, when it comes to the category of love and relationships, these same numbers of triumph and success are unfortunately lacking. Since the 1970s, the percentage of unmarried black women over the age of 35 has risen astronomically from about 7% to roughly 66% in the US. While this increase has its roots in the second wave of American feminism or womanism, one has to ask why these statistics outweigh any other group of women and why these percentages have been on an incline for so long. While it’s true some happily choose being single, a larger portion of single black women actually want partnership. For these women, the question “Why hasn’t it been my turn?” has been ongoing, but there are no simple reasons. In fact, the answers are layered in nuance, and NEWSFLASH: It’s more than just black men being the problem.

Reason #1 - Broken Economic and Family Dynamics: The initial rise of single black women was fueled by several major factors, including continued socio-economic breakdowns and financial uncertainty during and after the Vietnam War. With increasing workplace opportunities for women alongside the creation of Section 8 housing and welfare assistance programs, the idea of a woman being married out of economic necessity began to drastically diminish. While this created a sense of freedom for women on one hand, it also contributed to an increased absence of men in the home. Black men, especially those coming back from the war with an inability to provide for a family, opted for more casual entanglements versus taking on marital commitments. Then came the prison industrial complex in the 1980s and 1990s, further exacerbating the issue of ineligible bachelors and absentee men. The byproduct was children seeing their mothers alone, and often too busy working to provide. Girls growing up in this environment learned how to survive, not so much how to love. Single mothers didn’t have time to imagine a loving, soft-life era for their daughters, let alone themselves. And as the slogan goes, “History has a way of repeating itself,” especially when considering parental modeling and generational cycles. 

Reason #2 - Environmental Conditioning: Stemming from reason number one, the art of survival for black girls growing up in single-mother homes often means carrying a tougher exterior than their white female counterparts. Showing signs of weakness or vulnerability can translate as potentially being taken advantage of. Without fathers to protect them, the ‘armor’ black girls wear is the protection crafted while navigating the world. It’s this external shell that improperly plasters the “angry black woman” slogan on many a black woman’s forehead, repelling attention. But very rarely do people dig deeper to understand the tragedy of that necessity. However, there’s another aspect of social wiring that may point to why black women are lacking in love - It’s the guilt or fear of judgment for engaging in potential disloyalty by giving up on their black male counterparts and dating outside their race; black women don’t want to leave black men behind, as these men represent the fathers, brothers and sons they’ve nurtured and hoped for. This ideology is met with praise within the Black Love movement, and is held in high regard with those who disdain interracial dating. Yet aside from this worldview is societal conditioning at large, and mainly via the realm of entertainment - Music, media and film are riddled with misogyny and narratives of toxic love and hyper-sexualization of black women, whereas stories of commitment and honor hardly receive the same amount of exposure. After decades of negative content consumerism, the world has normalized and even capitalized on the struggles of independence and singledom within the black female community. 

Reason #3 - Therapy Stigmas: Despite improved awareness and support for black mental health in recent years, current statistics tell us that only 25% of black Americans are seeking professional mental health treatment. Under the umbrella of mental health resources is relationship counseling and therapy, which black women have yet to fully immerse themselves in. According to a recent study where black men and women were asked what they had done to rectify past relationship problems, surprisingly the men primarily stated they utilized counseling as a means of help. The women, however, confessed to mainly resorting to kitchen table conversations with girlfriends or engaging in DIY self-help practices. The lack of black women’s enrollment in therapy may stem from historical barriers when it comes to accessing care. However, an even more blatant reason for this disparity is that men come into relationships knowing they aren’t perfect and will likely be blamed for something. Women come with the inherent bias that they’re right about everything. Hence, the propensity for women to acknowledge and work on their flaws for the betterment of their relationships is often missing when they don’t feel at fault to begin with. In addition, the predominant stigma that has kept many from seeking help is the notion that “something must be wrong with me.” But without objective and professional guidance to overcome generational trauma and relationship dysfunction, the way to move forward and beyond negative patterns is often shrouded in mystery.

Reason #4 - Religious Ideologies: What oddly mimics the statistics of single black women in America is the number of single black women in church congregations. According to the Washington Post, black women are one of the leading religious groups in the US, with approximately 74% identifying with the customs of a religious lifestyle. When it comes to relationships, the presiding goal for those in church attendance is marriage, but the message often preached is “Wait on God” with other mentions of hellfire and brimstone as the consequence for premarital relations. The resulting desire for righteousness has created a certain rigidity and apprehension for women in terms of engaging with men. Echoing this sentiment is what many girls grew up hearing at home: “Keep your legs closed” or “Stay away from those boys” without much teaching on how to actually attract a viable partner. In either case, black women have been seemingly rendered powerless from the porch to the pulpit when it comes to fulfilling their relationship desires. Many also want a presumed church-goer or man in church leadership, but the numbers show women outnumber men by 22% during Sunday services. Vying for black men who narrowly fit these parameters increases the odds even more. Simultaneously, many live in the shadows of repressed sexuality, which is either downplayed, demonized or dismissed altogether in religious spaces, leaving some to doubt and question their faith or lose hope for a mate.   

While the aforementioned reasons are not an exhaustive list of answers, they certainly provide insight into why black women have largely remained single. But even with a proper diagnosis of the issue, change doesn’t come without tangible solutions. One such solution is prioritizing personal work to heal trauma and remove internal blocks that have kept black women single for so long. Therapy and counseling should no longer be considered a “white” thing or only something to do when life is terrible, but should be considered a maintenance tool to ensure things are working right. However, beyond healing from the past is preparing for the future - Single black women have often lacked the models and education on how to attain healthy partnerships. Rather than winging it and continuing to repeat the same relationship cycles, opting for a dating or relationship coach may be the best means of achieving relationship desires. Receiving guidance from an experienced professional will often trump the advice from friends or clergy who may not have the qualifications necessary to bring about transformative results. Next to that is choosing content and belief systems that support being in love versus being in fantasy, struggle or perpetual loneliness. Creating a playlist of empowering material and choosing a network of people who are or have been on similar journeys is critical to success. Lastly, black women have to give themselves permission to be happy. That includes exploring all options when it comes to dating rather than holding out for neighborhood ideals that may never come or level-up to prove themselves worthy candidates. Experiencing reciprocal love may mean being open to partners who look and move differently than what they’re accustomed to. Black women have labored the world over-prioritizing the needs of everyone else. It’s high time they take the lead in choosing love for themselves. 

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Porsche Angel is a former ESSENCE intern, award-winning artist and certified life-coach with an educational background in clinical research and interpersonal communication. She helps high-achieving, single women transform their relationship experiences so they can have the love they desire. For more information on her coaching offerings, visit www.porscheangelcoaching.net/programs.